Not Strong Enough
by firedancer34
Summary: Three years ago I crossed the line for you.  I know I should stay away, but I'm just not strong enough.


**Was listening to Apocalyptica's song "Not Strong Enough" and this story was sparked. It is short, dark, and implied f/f relationship. It was written in less than an hour is is totally unbeta'd so sorry. **

**Not Strong Enough**

Tonight is our third anniversary. Three years ago tonight, I did the unthinkable. I crossed the line that I knew I could never come back from. Three years ago to this very hour, I killed for you.

I had little choice in the matter. I know you probably feel that I did. But none of you will ever understand just how hard I fought to keep that dark part of me under control every minute of every day. When I heard the explosions over the comms my heart froze. Panic raced through me and I vaguely remember screaming your name, begging for you to answer me. Pure primal terror pushed me to cover the miles between us in less than five minutes.

Static was the only thing to answer my desperate pleas for you to say something…anything. I could see the flames and smoke from several miles out, and I know they only fueled that desperate part of me that pushed me well beyond any known limits.

I don't remember the flight back home, but I do remember everything that happened the moment I crashed through what was left of the clock face as if it happened in slow motion. My momentum was so strong that it carried me halfway across the room, taking out three of his goons in the process. The first casualty was in that uncontrolled fall. I struck the first man high and with so much force that his sternum was shattered. I didn't even realize I had dislocated my left shoulder.

My senses were so heightened that I instantly sensed every person that was combing through the wreckage of our home, and I could tell they were surprised to see me. HE was definitely not happy to see me so soon. My heart stopped when I saw him standing over your unconscious body a bloody knife in his hand and a mad look in his eyes.

One moment I was standing on the far side of the far side of the room, the next I was slamming into him, my fist shattering his jaw as my other hand ripped the knife out of his hand. He staggered back, blood pouring down the front of his garish costume, laughing maniacally. Something inside me snapped, the beast that I had kept carefully locked away for so long finally broke loose and I was helpless to fight it. Not when your blood was overwhelming my senses and my fragile heart shattered into a million pieces.

His men were firing at me, and I took two bullets before I decided enough was enough. Jack the Ripper eat your heart out. Call it temporary insanity, call it bloodlust….all I know is that every single one of those bastards left in a body bag. Once the blood began to flow, I couldn't stop myself until there was nothing left to kill. For all of his henchmen, it was fast and brutal. When I came back around for him however, the laughing had finally stopped and I saw terror in his eyes. God what a rush that was. This man had terrorized our city for decades. He had killed countless innocents and loved ones. He'd robbed you of your life as Batgirl and now I thought he had robbed you of your life for good. And he had given the order to have my mother killed.

I made sure his death was slow and painful.

My only regret is that you woke up in the middle of that. Partly because I never wanted you to witness just what that dark part of me was actually capable of. Partly because I had to cut short my torture of the sick bastard. I remember turning to you slowly, the bloodied knife clattering to the ground. The look in your eyes at that moment is what told me that I had lost you forever.

Looking back at his mangled body I nodded to myself. What was done was done. You were alive and you would be safe. No one would dare to fuck with anyone I cared about ever again. I shut myself done in that moment, forcing myself not to react when you flinched away from me in fear when I found a towel to press against your bloodied side where he'd stabbed you. I held that mask as you tried not to shy away from me as I knelt down to cradle you gently in my arms to bring you down to the EMS that was now waiting down below.

I ignored the devastated look in your eyes as I laid you down ever so lovingly onto a gurney and brushed back some of your hair and pressed one last tender kiss to your forehead. It was the only goodbye that I could give before I turned to Reese who was staring at us in shock asking what had happened.

I simply told him to look after you and the Kid and that I was sorry for the mess I left behind, but it had to be done. I know that none of you probably believe that. But that's ok. It has been three years and no one has dared to mess with my city.

I tried to leave.

But you are like a siren's song that I cannot refuse. You are a drug that I have become addicted to. A moth to the flame. You are my reason for living.

Three years ago tonight I killed for you. It was the only time I crossed that line, but there are so many other lines I have crossed since then. The city is mine now however, and I plan on keeping it like that for as long as I draw breath. Because as long as the underworld is mine, no one will ever dare to come after you.

I know it hurts you every time we cross paths, and I try to minimize those occurrences. But I know that there is a small dark and twisted part of us both that relishes the cat and mouse games we play. I work hard to stay under your radar, but I can't resist the urge to come out and play every now and then…to challenge you. Because I know you need it as much as I do. The irony of our relationship being so much like my own parents is not lost on me.

I watch as you roll out onto the balcony as you do every year on this night and look straight across to where I am hiding in the shadows. You always knew where I was. I finally decide to grant you your wish, and drop down onto the moonlight ledge below me. I stand there, hands deep in the pockets of my long leather duster, the wind catching it's edges.

So close, and yet so far away. I know I should stay away. But I am just not strong enough…and apparently neither are you.


End file.
